Magnolia

My smile today is a 7-tomato smile. I think the biggest smile on record is an 8, so now you know how happy I am! That’s because something happened last week that showed me that hard, awkward, and even painful moments can turn into the best gifts, like the way a summer thunderstorm can carry in cooler easier air. Up until that day, I struggled so much to feel like I fit in and belonged. That awful feeling nagged me everywhere I went. I wanted to make friends and have fun, to feel easy in the same way I can confidently cross a busy street or when I leap into a circling jump rope. I get a “yes, go!” from the inside. That “yes, go!” feeling wouldn’t bubble up with other people, even when I was invited to something. I watched others laughing, talking, and looking happy, and I didn’t know how to jump in. I was convinced something might be wrong with me. So I decided to change. Change how I dressed, how I walked, even the way I talked. I practiced and practiced and then joined social circles, carefully mirroring and following how people acted. I fell into place on the outside, but nothing I did helped me to feel like I fit in. In fact, it was worse than watching all the fun from a distance. A day later, I was walking with my head held high, trying to look happy and confident, and I accidentally stepped into a hole, tumbled, and broke my ankle. Now I had to hobble around with a cast and crutches, looking and feeling nothing like the new person I was trying so hard to become. I returned to being at a distance from all the play and fun, and I felt completely lost. Who am I now, and why is this happening to me? I sat with blurry vision as a swell of tears surfaced. I fought blinking until my eyes stung. With one blink, the sadness poured down my cheeks and off my chin. I had held this feeling inside for so long. I’m not sure how much time passed, but I was pulled back into the moment by a gentle tugging on my hair. I turned to look over my shoulder, and I saw a girl with a kind smile. Her fingers were twisting my hair into beautiful braids, and she placed little flowers here and there as she went. We didn’t speak for some time, but I felt like we were having an entire conversation, and at one point we started giggling. My heart bloomed open, and I felt “yes, go!" filling the spaces made available from letting my tears go. ***** Some questions for cultivation: Have you ever felt like an outsider looking in? What did that feel like in your body? Have you felt the need to be or do something other than who you are? What are some things you notice when you’re feeling happy to be you? Who are you with? Where are you and what are you doing?

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